As I wrote week before last, Millie the Four and Three Quarter year old had a birthday and officially became Millie the Five Year Old. A ruckus of a party ensued and I've been asked by a few individuals, "How was the party at Krispy Kreme?"
"Oh, foolish person," I reply. "Do you ask how high is the sky? Do you ask how far distant the infinite reaches of space? Do you ask why the hummingbird hums and the dolphin makes that weird squeaking noise?" Well...maybe. But a five year old's birthday party at a Krispe Kreme doughnut shop with a dozen pre-school party guests, limited space and activities for said guests, and enough refined white sugar injected directly into their miniature vascular systems to animate a decade dead zombie boy scout troop? How do you think it was?
It was LUNACY! Look at this! Look at this picture! This is what they ENDED the party with.
It ain't right. This disgusting pile of glazed fried dough buried in a lake of blood red sugar sprinkles is what Krispy Kreme calls a doughnut cake. I'm not kidding, this was the cake. If you have your kid's birthday party at Krispy Kreme this is what you can reasonably expect to receive as the cake that they include in their birthday party package. Yuuuuuuuuumeee!
Here's the rundown. Somewhere on the internet Big Mama found a description of children’s birthday parties hosted by Krispy Kreme Doughnuts for a fairly reasonable price. According to the description the party his hosted by an employee of the doughnut shop and includes the above mentioned cake o' doughnuts, games, balloons, drinks, a tour of the doughnut making facilities, a doughnut decorating session, gift boxes, a hat and a t-shirt for the birthday kid and of course, lots and lots of doughnuts.
The employee running our party, while being good natured and amiable, seemed to have little experience with small children or the management of one of these parties. In addition she informed us that a kid had slipped and fallen in the doughnut making room during a party the week before and the parents were suing, so there would be no tour of the facilties for fear of the appearance of more litigation crazed adults.
That being made clear she proceeded to present multiple trays stacked with, what else, cold, sticky glazed doughnuts and prompted the kids to sit down and eat some. The kids were fairly compliant in this, seeing as how it meant eating doughnuts without having to eat any other kind of disgustingly healthy dinner food first. Each child consumed no less than two doughnuts each in five minutes or less, washed down with plenty of good old corn syrupy orange soda.
After that the natives were naturally getting a bit restless and having a hard time staying in their seats playing with the unsharpened pencils and Krispy Kreme logo stickers in their "fun' boxes. Amazingly, the "director" seemed a bit confused that her soft spoken suggestions were being ignored by a dozen pre-schoolers ramping into their first solid sugar rush of the evening. Chaos soon followed as children launched themselves from their chairs into a vigorous game of "Run Aimlessly Screaming at the Top Of Your Lungs."
This game went on far longer than it would normally have been tolerated under other circumstances and exactly long enough to give me a distinct pain directly between my eyes. But we thought, what the hell, it's a party and it's what little kids do. Subsequently more doughnuts were consumed, a game of musical chairs was attempted (there's nothing like a game where someone is routinely excluded every round to ignite the fair play instincts of a four year old) with the music supplied by an old clock radio from the employee break room straining at the end of it's power cord. The game was wisely aborted after about ten minutes of alternating tantrums and rampant disinterest. More doughnuts were served instead.
There was also a game of throwing big round unglazed doughnuts at stacks of empty coffee cups. Boring. Now fill them all with scalding hot coffee and throw doughnuts at them, that would be an interesting (though probably very short) game. The prize was a dozen doughnuts to take home which the father of the winner wisely declined at the end of the evening. Some disgusting doughnut chocolate dipping was also done (that was the decorating portion of the show) and those were consumed as well.
I believe the high point, though, was the Q&A after the lecture given in lieu of the official tour of the production area; cancelled because of clumsiness and the American judicial system. After relaying all of the relevant Krispy Kreme marketing facts designed to make doughnut eating (and buying) automatons out of a bunch of pre-schoolers, the director asked if there were any questions.
It went something like this...
Director: ...and there are approximately nine hundred thousand billion doughnuts sold by Krispy Kreme between four p.m and six p.m. worldwide every single day. Are there any questions?
Future Automaton #1: Yeah! If a truck had doughnuts for tires, could you still eat them?
Director: I don't really know. I suppose you could if they weren't too dirty or...something.
Future Automaton #1: If doughnut tires ran over you would they kill you? Or could you eat them before they squashed you?
Director: ...um..I don't....
Future Automaton #2: Have you ever seen a monster made out of doughnuts?
Director: Well, no... but our sales in the last quarter have risen by twelve...
Future Automaton #2: If you ate a doughnut monster before he got you then you could be safe couldn't you?
Director: Um... sure...um...Let's have some doughnut cake!
But first there were presents to open and be kept track of for thank you note purposes. The director was supposed to do this service as well but apparently neglected to review that part of the job description.
After what seemed like an interminable amount of time the cake finally came out but none of the parents would let the kids come anywhere near it for fear it was really the fabled doughnut monster recently mentioned. Big Mama and I immediately started telling everyone, "Take what you want, take some home! Get this stuff out of here because if you don't it's going in the dumpster. We are absolutely NOT taking this monster home with us; Millie is the only monster allowed in our house tonight. Dig in!" And everyone got a little chunk of heaven to take home and microwave for breakfast in the morning.
Millie and all her party guests had a wonderful juiced up time and Big Mama kept apologizing to people for being responsible for their children's eyes spinning in opposite directions an hour before bedtime. Having eaten two doughnuts myself I had a big sugar and child induced headache and a huge craving for black coffee and a Rueben sandwich. Anything to get the sickening sweet taste of cold Krispy Kreme glaze out of my mouth.
I still don't know what the big deal is about those doughnuts. A friend told me they're terrific when warm and fresh. Maybe so, but when they're old and cold I personally would rather eat Spam straight from the can. Seriously.
So you ask, "How was the party at Krispy Kreme?" And I reply, "Well, if a truck had tires made out of doughnuts I would imagine being run over by it would feel pretty much like attending that party."